The Worst Of It
So it has been a few days since my last post. On Monday I returned home from work to find Capri with a high fever. Since then this week has involved lots of crying, little sleep and just exhaustion. I don’t know what happened this week but I really met my breaking point. The patience I have had these last 8 months really wore out. I found myself very angry with Capri. More then once I had to leave her in her crib to cry alone, thinking I would just scream at her if I didn’t. I ran this week on almost no sleep, working some 33 hours at a workplace that increasingly frustrates me more day after day.
Don’t underestimate how tough it is being a single parent. Sometimes I just want to pass Capri off to someone else in the middle of the night, not deal with her, maybe for once this whole year go to sleep and sleep until I can’t sleep anymore. This week brought on frustrations with not only Capri but with Cameron as well, although I voiced none of it to him. I’ve never gone into too much detail about my relationship with him on In 9 and I wont now either but I will say that I realized that whatever has been said with us, with now, with later, I’m in this alone and have been from the start and just because Capri has a father somewhere who says a lot of this and that really doesn’t mean much when its 4 am, I need to be up at 6 am and I’ve had an hour of rest and no one to help me.
I’m embarressed to say that more then once this week I looked at Capri and thought to myself, “I can’t do this and worse, I don’t want to do this anymore.” I thought a lot about what I’m missing out on, what about this has caused me unhappiness, where I would be without Capri. Its useless to think of these things and I rarely do since there is no point but this week these thoughts only fueled my high emotions.
Capri’s fever has gone away but she’s still not sleeping well. She’ll undoubtly be awake by midnight again. I should be taking advantage of this time and take a nap but I cannot bring myself to sleep this early. Its a shitty situation. I know I love her and she is a blessing and a joy but I just want these days over and behind me. I need her sleeping again and maybe. only then, I’ll get a little bit of my sanity back.
